Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Well, it's Wednesday June 18th, about 11pm mountain time. I'm in Columbus, Montana. I've been trying to connect to the promised wifi at the Super8 but it appears to be about as real as the promised in-room microwave that also didn't appear. There were only 4 rooms left in the town and I can't drive anymore so I'm not going to complain. It's about 40 miles west of Billings, Montana. I had hoped to make it to Billings but I was getting tired and wigged out. And then......

So, I'm driving along minding my own business and trying to stay on the road because I'm tired and at the end of the OK time for driving. (I left Plummer a bit after noon Pacific time and have been on the road 8 hours or so.) It's getting dark. The moon is stunning and huge and yellow and the sun is almost gone.
I'm in the right lane. In the left lane is a semi passing me. I'm just behind his cab when I his lane...a LARGE carcass. Deer or elk or something. I think, "He's going to hit that with a whole side's worth of tires and cut it right in half."

Turns out there are some side effects when a semi bisects a giant dead thing. For one, the dead thing becomes aerosolized. For two, few large, recognizable, chunks fly up in the air and twirl around.
For three, I'm still moving forward at 60 miles an hour but now have the world's most dramatic "yucky face" and am screaming "eww eww eww eww!!!" while my subaru enters a cloud of deer spray with a twirling leg directly ahead of my face like something out of The Matrix.

The smell was slightly delayed. I'm not optimistic about it's staying power. By which I mean, I think this is really gonna stink in the morning.

The subaru is speckled with deer bits...blood, flesh, hair. I had to turn the wipers on immediately. FYI: bambi-schpritz + wiper fluid = venison sludge.


Anyway, I need to do some yoga and then put my ass in bed and hopefully turn off the goddamn TV.

Cripes! Is everyone looking at porn in this hotel? The wifi is still boogered* up. Given that there are half a dozen Harley's in the parking lot along with the dozen or so semi's, I'd say, "Yes. Yes everyone downloading porn."

OH! There's a break in the porn traffic on the interwebs! I'm going to post this quick.

*Like Angela's eyes in the morning.


angela said...

I hope I can see my keyboard through all my eyeboogies this a.m.

My two-syllable analysis of this posting:

CLASSIC! (I don't thinnk an added exclamation point adds syllabage).

I shall never, as hard as I try, get the phrase "venison sludge" out of my brain. Damn for long-term memory. I'm sorry you will be stinky and fetid as you make your way home to...uh...stinky and fetid (cuz of the water, not some inherently malfunctioning hygiene gene (hy-gene) on the part of the Wagner clan. Good luck on the remainder of your trip. Perhaps there is a flock of seaguls you could plow into (actual birds or lame 80's hair band -- I'm good with either). Angela

Angela said...

OK, I realize that Pam is otherwise occupied with flooding, but Jill Maria Wagner: this column deserves more comments! It's fabulous. After a long day, I needed a laugh and reread the description of the deer cloud. Grotesque. Vivid. Macabre. Hysterical. So, other faithful readers of Jill (you said there were four -- that leaves two others), pony up with the comments. Writing this fantastically gross deserves them! Angela

Fly Right said...

Was it warm enough to have the deer sludge cook on your hood? That would be a simple and frugal meal! (and fresh!)

Jill said...

Laurie: Alas and was like 9pm or later so not hot enough to cook deer on the hood. Though is was dehydrated! When it rains on a hot day I should have stew up there.