Will It Wipe? Testing a Local Newspaper

One more time:  DO NOT FLUSH alternative wipes.  Just don't.

AND WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS!

And now for our 5th contestant:

Local Newspaper
I picked up a free local newspaper.  Now I really know why Gramma called hers "the county wipe."  Definitely more useful on the hind end than as a news source.

PREP:
Takes a bit more rubbing and twisting about to soften up, but 1/4 of a full double-wide page seems plenty for a #1 job.  Don't be too forceful with the softening process since the paper is flimsy.  Maybe do the whole double sheet at once.

SCRATCH FACTOR:  4.5/5
Gets nice and soft!  But make sure the ink is dry.  Just saying.

EASE OF USE:  3.5/5
Takes a bit longer to prep and a bit fragile, but not difficult to get it ready and if you do a full double sheet at once, ease of use goes down because you get wipes for one prep session.

PAPER-CUT SAFETY:  4.5/5
You can barely get a paper cut with unprepped cheap local news papers, and we're talking the matte finish pages here, not the shiny ads. 

ABSORBENCY:  4/5
Quite good!  Still not as fast as real TP on the soaking up, but better than grocery sacks.

CLEANSING POWER:  5/5
Excellent cleaning, especially if the ink is dry.

AVAILABILITY:  3.5/5
This is variable.  I pick up free versions when I'm in town, so I have to remember to stop at the free newspapers bin on my biweekly mail and grocery run.  The recycling center is closed for now, but when it is open, I have more newspaper than I know what to do with.  Another thing is, I use newspaper for many things. Like scrubbing out the greasy frying pan while it's still warm.  Then the greasy paper can be burnt in the stove.  I'm switching over to less desirable TP-alternatives for my frying pan cleaning.  Printer paper works in the pan well.  That saves more newspaper available for wipage.

Bold Name of Tested Product COMPOSITE SCORE: 25/30

So, more suggestions please.
Or perhaps someone disagrees with my assessment?