I know you need a focus for your fears but TP and ammo may not be the best foci. Especially the TP. If you use the ammo to shoot a squirrel you can probably get enough hide and a tail and wipe your butt like 2 or 3 times after poorly prepared squirrel meat gives you diarrhea. TP is a one and done.
Anyway, here's the deal. Since I do have the compost turlet facility, I can safely test a variety of TP alternatives. So I will...sorry Mom!
WARNING: THIS IS WIPE, not flush. PUT TP ALTERNATIVES IN A TRASH CAN OR BAG. At last, a use for the 17, 032 grocery bags under your kitchen sink. You can use paper bags, plastic bags, trash cans, old boxes, empty facial tissue boxes, bins...anything.
I use paper lunch sacks. A friend years ago had a touchy septic system and TP had to go in a paper grocery bag by the turlet. I asked her if she then bagged it and hauled to the dump...no home trash service. Nope, it's excellent kindling. I have a smaller stove, so smaller bag.
AND: WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS. No amount of paper will save you from e-coli. Just wash your damn hands.
And now, our first contestant:
Left over tissue paper saved from Xmas and other gifts or if you bought a nice shirt in 1972 (they came in a box and the shirt was wrapped in tissue paper).
It won't be all flat and tidy like this if it's my left over paper, but you get the idea.
I had white and tan available, not bright colors. Make your own choices on that.
PREP:
It's a bit slick, but not shiny so you'll want to scrub it around between your hands a bit to rough it up. This increases absorbency and decreases the paper-cut potential.
I'll be testing on #1 for the most part since ...well, we'll just leave it at that.
Assessment Parameters:
SCRATCH FACTOR: 3/5
Not bad. Not super soft, but not horrible.
EASE OF USE: 4.5/5
Excellent! Only TP on the roll is easier. I suppose I could roll it and make fake TP with old TP tubes but really...I just grabbed it out of the fire-starter-supplies pile near the kindling.
PAPER-CUT SAFETY: 4/5
Very unlikely. Keep the edges folded in and under and soften it up a bit and you'll be fine.
ABSORBENCY:
Pretty good! 4/5. Again, scrubbing it between your hands before use helps up the absorbency and use a bit more than you think you'll need as tissue paper soaks through quickly.
CLEANSING POWER: 5/5
Good! Again, testing on #1s, but I'm going to predict it as good since it was not at all "slick". Individual results may vary.
AVAILABILITY: 3/5
This will be based on your propensity to save bits of things like gift wrap. I do, so it's pretty available to me.
Left over tissue paper COMPOSITE SCORE: 23.5/30
In the comments feel free to offer suggestions for possible TP substitutes. I won't test them all, but if I do test your suggestion...well, then I do. No shout-outs promised, no give-aways, nothing. Nada. Deal with it people.
4 comments:
Even your mother thinks this is hilarious! Laughs are what we all need right now.
Are you my mommy?
Hilarity ensues from a very serious subject-the dearth of toilet paper! I counted my rolls of "white gold"
recently and have enough for a few weeks. So squirrel hide may not be required yet.
But how about mullien plant leaf?
I will give it a shot!
Also...the previous comment was indeed my mommy!
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