Thursday, May 22, 2014

Swimsuit for Every Body Type!

How much do I hate that headline?  Let me count the ways....infinity of ways.

I just ran into YET ANOTHER of these headlines.  I've been seeing them since I was 14 and got a subscription to Seventeen Magazine, which I wanted and LOVED at the time.  Of course it taught me that
1) My hair should look like Valerie Bertinelli's on "One Day at a Time"...long and poofy and shiny.  So I insisted on products.  My hair is now pretty much long and poofy and shiny...I don't use ANY hair products

2) Act stupid and look vapid so boys will like you ....  I never did even try that one. Well, I would TRY but I could only pull it off for maybe 30 seconds at a time before I thought something like "Why bother attracting that moron?"

(sorry Phoebe Cates...but you were the queen of the vapid looking Seventeen magazine models at that time)

3) Always choose a swimsuit based on hiding some body flaw.
           Big boobs?  Minimize them (uh...I always wondered, and still do, on what planet are BIG BOOBS a flaw?  I maximized them.)
            Broad shoulders?   Make them appear narrower (uh...I like my broad linebacker-esque was the 1980s people, we were wearing SHOULDER PADS in the shirt and the jacket which combined with my square linebacker-esque broad shoulders made me look like Joan Crawford at her peak of stylized fabulousness.

Now there are some awesomely BROAD shoulders...or is it an awesomely shouldered broad?  Both?
              Narrow shoulders?  You're not off the hook because that is bad too.   Find a suit that broadens them up.  Maybe with shoulder pads that act like water wings.

              Big butt?  Hide it under a skirt....  Kardashian anyone?  J-Lo?   People are now famous for having huge butts and the swimsuit advice articles still say "hide it.
              Small butt?  Also a problem.   I wonder if, like Mama Bear's porridge in the children's story, there is any butt that is "just right" for the swimsuit fashion police.

             Long legs?  Get something that chops you off awkwardly in mid thigh so they look shorter.
             Short legs?  Get something with a leg hole cut up to the waist.  I believe this is now known as the "Miley"
Miley Cyrus
Maybe you could skip the vapid look...oh way, probably still in fashion.

           Fat thighs?  Back to the skirt
           Thin thighs?  Also not OK, despite our society's obsession with thin.  If you actually ARE thin, well then we call your muscled cut leg "masculine."

            Long waisted?  Chop your body up with color blocking so you look short waisted
            Short waisted?  Use a solid color or an extremely low bikini bottom to make yourself look long waisted.
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just wear many suits.  One to maximize the boobs, which will then need minimizing by the next suit I layer on.  A third to narrow my "thick" waist followed by the fourth to "balance" my hourglass figure.  A fifth to minimize attention my "athletic" (read big and muscly) and overly long legs, followed by another to lengthen and beef up my now minimized legs. 

There are many more figure flaws diagnosed by the magazines but I think you get my point.
Let me present you with my current swimsuit which I believe complements every figure and can be worn by everyone, even dudes:

yeah, that's totally NOT me, but you get the idea.   Whatever shorts you have paired with whatever t-shirt you have.  Do not bring the little backpack into the pond with you.

Swimsuit articles are up there with spandex in my pants on my list of things that annoy the crap out of me.

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