Wednesday, October 6, 2010

DEAR UNIVERSE: GET YOUR SPANDEX OUT OF MY PANTS!

Seriously. How much do I hate spandex in my jeans? I hate it to 11.
I am having a helluva time finding jeans, yes at thrift stores but still it's all the same brands, without freaking spandex. I do not want pants in the shape of me. I want pants in the shape of PANTS. If I wanted to wear tights, I WOULD BUY FREAKING TIGHTS.
Jesus.

Even Carhartt is putting spandex in some of their women's pants.
Why only in the women's? Have you not seen the men walking around these days?
Some of them have chunky thighs. Maybe THEY would like stretchy pants for "ease of movement".

Seriously. It's not just that I hate any form of clothing that clings (bras...you are on notice!), I am trying not to buy synthetics. I'm hoping to have an entirely compostable wardrobe. One that does not feature petroleum products (bras...that's you again). Will I have to have my pants custom made? Wear boy pants? (see above "chunky thighs" and add "short waist" and "flat butt" to find out why I haven't tried this route too often...no one wants to see old lady coin slot).

I just want jeans. Denim. Cotton. Straight leg (boot cut jeans give me wierd saddle bag thigh thingies with or without spandex....tapered legs are just not there). Low rise (see above short waist...in the 1980s my jeans literally hit my bra strap some days. I was the torso-free-gal).
Is that too much to ask of the world?

When I want "ease of movement" I'll buy pants that FIT. If you buy the right size, you will not have trouble sitting down with or without spandex.
One of my favorite effects of spandex pants is when they "hug" my butt curves, such as they are and gradually pull my underpants down throughout the day. Nice feature. Because next to old lady coin slot, who doesn't want to see a middle aged woman try to sneak her hand down the back of her pants to find her undies? When I'm working outside with no privacy or potty facilities in sight, I love making the choice between sticking my hand down the back of my pants or trying to figure out if everyone can see that my undies have bunched up around the bottom of my butt. Also, it chafes. If they don't get the spandex out of my pants, I'm going to have to invent undie-spenders which will be straightened out sock garters hooking my undies to my bra for an all day wedgie-chafe-fest that can't be beat. You think I'm a bitch now? Wait until I've got undies all up in my business while I'm trying to get a bulldozer to stop doing whatever it shouldn't be doing.

So, again:

Universe,
GET YOUR SPANDEX OUT OF MY PANTS!
Love Jill


Does anyone know where I can buy jeans without spandex, with low rise, straight legs, and sturdy cotton fabric?

11 comments:

Angela's Cartoon Bubbles said...

Wow. The universe is a cruel bitch some days.

I did find this website, not for jeans but for those bras that are on notice:

http://www.cottonique.com/collections/womans?page=4

Also, Yahoo Answers showed that someone asked the same question. You might want to try this link.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081016164516AA5Xxed

Unlike Brooke Shields, who wanted nothing to come between her and her Calvin Kleins, clearly, you need SOMETHING (other than bunched up granny pants) to come between you and your spandex.

And thanks for the "old lady coin slot" imagery - that sounds vaguely David Sedaris-esque -- possibly from his short story "Naked" where he compared a naked old lady to the kind of coin purse you used to get at the bank?

Good luck! Ask Laurie K. - she might have some leads cuz she's all about the sustainable fashion.

Fly Right said...

And I'm also a short rise kind of gal. And a cotton bra lover (at least in the Summer). I have gotten jeans from LL Bean that fit your description. I think they were spandex-free, but they could be ten+ years old. . . I like them because you can choose an inseam length like a boy! I am a medium tall. Yay for long enough pants that aren't too long!

Lady Cardigan said...

Thank you for this post! I am having a terrible time finding jeans, or ANY pants, without spandex. This is a fad that needs to stop. I'm not in an '80s hair metal band. I want to wear real denim jeans made out of denim, not spandex.

Jill said...

Thanks for the comment, Lady Cardigan. I checked out your blog. Tres cool.

Kathy said...

We need to start a movement! I hate spandex in my jeans. Yah, it probably makes them a little more flexable in the waist area, but it's not worth it!
I go to work in my nice fitting jeans and an hour later I get up from my desk and I've knee and butt bulges. My nice fitting jeans now look baggy, saggy and ill fitting!!!!!

Jill said...

Kathy: I KNOW! I hate that. Since I sit in a chair all day I probably have droopy drawers in the rear end too.

Muriel said...

I am trying to find pants for my office job that have no spandex. I think that it looks much more professional to wear pants that drape nicely and not hugging my behind. Also, the spandex wears out rather quickly and then the pants are so loose and look awful. I am having a very difficult time finding any kind of pants without spandex.

Anonymous said...

Bringing this thread back to life. I'm a man, it's 2016, and I notice the invasion of spandex on our side of things. In an entire Levi's store, every jean had spandex! They didn't even have 550-relaxed-fit in stock! I'm seriously considering going custom. I've had men's-jeans-containing-spandex from 3 different brands... they all do the same thing: When you walk, spandex jeans make a constant clapping sound from your butt. People think I'm farting when I walk by. Kind of like when you quickly pull an elastic band between your hands. No one on the internet has complained of this. My guess is that it's still early for men (spandex is new to us) and most women wear jeans so snug to their butt they've never heard this noise before. Anyways it seems like it's one big huge marketing ploy to make jeans feel more comfortable for people dealing with a gut.

Jill said...

I KNOW! Murial: I hate the way spandex hangs. Looks cheap. especially part way through the day when you get diaper butt and baggy knees because it stretched out, but not back.
And to the gentleman: I had been buying used guy jeans at thrift stores to avoid the spandex and now I must check those as well. I can find a few jeans in mens and womens that are all cotton, but it takes quite a bit of looking and testing.

Katrina Malone said...

Spandex in pants gives me the heebie jeebies. I can't for the life of me find pants without it. I guess it's a good thing I live in Southeast Texas.

Jill said...

Yep! I feel your jeebies.