My New Favorite Total BS "News" Article

So we all know how much I hate the "lower your chance of death by..." type titles.  Again, just to review: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.  We all are.  The chance of death is 100%.  Just like the chance of time passing.

BUT did you KNOW that you could die of almost anything.  Even a HAIR TIE!!!!
Insert dramatic music and eyes like this:

This actual true headline made me LOL for reals (pronounced "rilz" with a slight sidelong sneer):

The Horrifying Reason You Should Never Wear Hair Elastics Around Your Wrist

 Turns out, one woman, one time, once got an infection from a gnarly filthy hair tie she wore on her wrist.  NOW WE CAN ALL DIE OF THAT.  So much for all that kale I eat, the exercise, and those stupid seat belts I've been wearing like a total dupe.  I'm going to die of hairtiewristitus. 

Seriously people.  From now on I'm only tying my hair with surgical tubing taken directly from the autoclave.  This will be handy since I'll have something clean to tie my arm off too when I need to get a vein to shoot heroin.