Will It Wipe: Testing Retirement Plan Quarterly Update

Again, this is a WIPE test, NOT a flush test.  Do not flush TP-Alternatives.

AND: WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS

And now for our 8th (I think) contestant:

Retirement Plan Quarterly Update
{I couldn't find a photo..it's on newsprint, like 100 pages long and 8.5" by 11" size)

This is that thing the retirement plan, 401k type, sends you with info on EVERY option of the 3million that they offer and how it's doing and blah blah blah.
This was the first one during covid times so they could have shortened the report to a scanned B/W of the retirement company CEO's middle finger.  We're f'd. 

I thought "HEY! Maybe I can put this to good use on my butt!"  So, here is testing the retirement plan quarterly update as TP test...

PREP:
Bit slick.  Lots of rubbing with the hands and scrunching and it was still a bit slick.  Also super thing. Hmm..

SCRATCH FACTOR:  1.5/5
How is it both slick AND scratchy?  Is it the taffeta of bum-wipe?

EASE OF USE:  1.5/5
Large amount of prep and slickness worked against the desired effect.

PAPER-CUT SAFETY:  2/5
I think it's too flimsy to create a papercut, but it's so thin, I don't know.  I folded the edges in carefully during prep.

ABSORBENCY:  1/5
OMG!  It's water repellent!  Not water, but you know.  Really non-effective for the #1s.

CLEANSING POWER:  2/5
The slickitude was NOT a benefit for this factor.  Not great cleansing.

AVAILABILITY:  1.5/5
It shows up every 90 days and lots of sheets, but so thin you have to use several sheets at a go and may need to have a 2nd go at things. 

Bold Name of Tested Product COMPOSITE SCORE: 9.5/30

There we go...my retirement plan is not even good for buttwipe.  Oh well.  We tried.  If I get another, perhaps kindling.  If that crap won't even LIGHT then I'm switching to the online report. 

So, more suggestions please.
Or perhaps someone disagrees with my assessment?